M/M sex, discipline, spanking. If the idea of a discipline relationship between consenting adult males offends you, so will this story.
ELIZABETH MARSHALL STORIES
"OW!" Silas kicked out, trying to squirm free, and Richard clamped his leg over Silas's flailing legs, pinning Silas effectively. Silas's breathing roughened.
"Augh!" Silas gagged, but managed not to vomit. Richard winced at the sound.
"That's it. We're done." Richard ended the spanking abruptly. "It's okay, Si, come here now." He eased Silas upright and tried to embrace him.
"I hate this, let me go, let me go!" Silas resisted strenuously, hitting out wildly.
"Stop that!" Feeling like a total heel, Richard swatted Silas twice more.
"Ow! Ow, Richard!" Silas yelped, freezing.
"Come here." Richard drew Silas into his lap. "It's over. Just rest now, Silas."
Silas gave up. With a sigh, he curled abjectly into Richard. Richard stroked Silas's hair, rubbed his back, did everything nice he could to settle his lover quietly.
"That's my good boy," Richard said, concealing his own upset from Silas. "It's going to be all right, Si. I'm going to make it all right."
Silas had no memory of falling asleep in Richard's arms, nor of Richard bedding him down on the couch. When he awoke, it was late afternoon. Richard had considerately covered him and drawn the blinds.
"How are you, Silas?" Richard asked. He offered Silas a glass of water and Silas drank thirstily.
"I wasn't like this before," Silas said despairingly.
"We're going to talk about what you're feeling and how to improve things, Silas," Richard said reassuringly. "You're taking your medication; that will help. And I'm going to touch base with your therapist."
"I'm taking the pills," Silas said. "I hate taking pills, but I'm doing it. And I don't know what to tell you, just nothing's working out, Richard, and I don't know what I'm doing wrong."
"It's all right, Silas," Richard said gently. "I appreciate how hard you're trying. I need to have a conversation with your therapist. Give me a few minutes, all right?"
With a forced smile and a resigned shrug, Silas nodded yes.
"Keith, it's Richard. I left you a message earlier."
Keith took a deep breath. Rubbed his forehead; willed himself to relax. Just what he needed: To tell one of the hospital's top psychiatrists that his partner was hovering at the brink.
"Richard, the episode with Dr. Daniels was a shattering experience for Silas. It's not going to be easy for him to trust a dominant partner again. The worst of it is that he feels that on some level he got what he asked for. And he's essentially alone all day and he's floundering."
"He's an adult, for chrissakes, Keith. He doesn't need a babysitter."
"We're not talking 'babysitter,' Richard. That's part of the problem right there: What you see as inappropriate and juvenile, I see as a neutral character trait. He's a gregarious, extroverted man, Richard. He needs more time together than you do. I can't imagine Silas ever thriving without that. If you can't learn to enjoy that, then he is never going to feel secure and this is always going to be a strain for you."
Richard sighed. He knew it was true. He remembered Silas at the resort, quick and happy and sure of himself, with a smile that rivaled the tropical brightness.
"He needs more contact, Richard. Needs. What you're asking from him is a kind of independence he's simply not cut out for," the therapist said.
"Richard? What did Keith say to you about me? I'm trying, I really am," Silas said defensively.
"Keith knows you're trying, Si, he notices your efforts and so do I." Richard stroked Silas's hair gently back from his eyes. "Silas, am I making you unhappy?"
"Don't say that! I love you, Richard," Silas replied apprehensively. "I'm sorry, Richard. I'm sorry I'm not who you want me to be."
"Ah, Silas, you're a nice guy." Richard closed his eyes for a brief moment; opened them resolutely. "Talk to me. Silas, am I making you unhappy?"
"I didn't say I wasn't happy," Silas objected. "I didn't say that."
"Silas." Richard cupped his palm around Silas chin and cheek and turned Silas's face so that their eyes met. "Answer my question, please."
"No." Silas lowered his eyes.
Richard nodded slowly. Silas didn't want to say "yes," that was clear. But that was the real answer.
I wanted an easy boyfriend, Richard thought to himself. Someone I could spoil a little, who made no real demands. Not a boyfriend like Silas.
He's miserable, and it's my doing, Richard castigated himself.
"Silas, I'm probably not the best Top for you," Richard said gently. "I'm just not equal to your intensity."
"I'll be less intense, I promise!" Silas wailed. "I will!"
"Si, you can't be who you're not. You are intense; that's not a bad thing. It's just hard for me to keep up with you." Richard said ruefully. "You maybe would be happier with someone who's got a stronger need for control and contact, than I do. There are more dominant Tops than me, good men who aren't abusive, who might be a better fit for you."
"Oh." Silas considered Richard's statement. "You're nice and I like you so much, Richard," Silas said softly. "Can't we try to make this work? I won't always be so needy! I'll try hard, I promise."
"Silas, I really, truly do not want to give you up," Richard hugged Silas, touched by his lover's genuine sweetness. "I just think...it's hard for people as different as us to make a good match. But I'm willing to try if you are."
"I'll do whatever you tell me to," Silas said.
"The only thing we're doing tonight is having a quick dinner and going to bed early," Richard said decisively. "Come on in the kitchen and keep me company while I pull something together."
"Okay." Silas brightened at the invitation. Often Richard shooed him away to "do something productive" while he was cooking. Hanging out together was something Silas particularly liked. By bedtime, Silas was eager to make love and his sweet mouth and practiced hands were irresistible.
Richard eyed his sleeping brat ruefully. As usual, Silas had gotten just he wanted: Caretaking, sex...and no punishment. The benefits of a discipline relationship without any of the attendant responsibilities.
I need a new strategy, Richard thought. And I think I know what it is.
"Practice spanking?" Silas gaped at Richard and backed up apprehensively. "Richard? I don't think I like the sound of that..."
"Not practice the spanking part exactly," Richard said with a reassuring smile. "What we're going to practice is the procedure. Just to get clear what my expectations are, and to give you a chance to get used to what it feels like when you're not stressed and upset."
"It sounds weird," Silas said dubiously.
"I know it's unusual," Richard said. "But I've thought it over and part of the problem is, you don't understand what I expect, and I don't understand your reactions. So we're going to go through it step by step and get the kinks out, as it were."
"Weird," said Silas, but he grinned at Richard. "All right. Your call, I guess."
"Good boy," Richard said approvingly, and Silas ducked his head with a shy grin. "Come here now. Remember, I'm not really going to spank you. We're practicing. A rehearsal. That's all. So don't be nervous." His voice was gentle and encouraging.
Silas moved to stand in front of Richard.
"Step one, pants down," Richard said.
Silas swallowed hard, but unbuttoned and unzipped his pants and pushed them down his thighs, exposing his cotton briefs.
"These too?" Silas asked hoarsely.
"No, I'll take those off for you," Richard said. "Come here, over my lap, that's it. You can rest your upper body on the couch. Relax your back, let your legs drop down, that's it. And no kicking, Silas. I shouldn't have to pin your legs."
"Okay," Silas said nervously, his stomach tensing.
"Easy, easy." Richard felt Silas's tightening abdominal muscles against his thighs. "We're practicing, that's all. I'm not really going to spank you. There's no need to be frightened, Silas, I've got you." Richard rubbed Silas's back gently. "I'm going to take your shorts down now, just relax." Richard hooked his fingers under the elastic waistband and eased the cotton briefs to mid-thigh, careful of Silas's soft cock and balls.
"No," Silas moaned. "Please..." He shifted awkwardly.
"Shh..." Richard laid a gentle hand over Silas's now bare butt, less restraining than reassuring. "Breathe, Silas, I'm not hurting you. Breathe. "
"This is just weird," Silas said, laughing nervously. "Richard? Let me up?"
"Stay here, breathe, get used to this," Richard said firmly. "If you want to be in a discipline partnership, you have to do your share. That means if I say you've earned a spanking, you accept my decision and cooperate. I'm not going to wrestle you over my lap every time, understand me?"
"Yes, sir," Silas said quietly.
Richard sighed. He hated, absolutely hated, being called "sir." But the honorific seemed to come naturally to Silas. Richard shook his head. It wasn't a big deal, he knew that rationally. Let it alone, he told himself.
"Okay, Silas," Richard said after a minute, seeing that Silas had resigned himself to his ignominious position. "I'm proud of you. Now, imagine you've been spanked. I tell you it's all over. Then you come to me."
"No!" Silas protested. "I hate that, Richard. Coming to him after he hurt me...that was the worst part of all."
"I'm not 'him,'" Richard said firmly. "I may spank you, and the spanking will hurt, I understand that, but I am not going to 'hurt' you. There's a difference. And I expect you to come to me. Here, slide down..." Richard eased Silas backwards until Silas was kneeling alongside him. Grasping Silas's forearms, Richard tugged him into his lap, tilting him considerately sideways.
"My heart's pounding, Richard!"
"I suppose mine is too," Richard said wryly. "Relax, Silas, let me hold you." He shook Silas gently. "Relax, I've got you."
"Up? Please?" Silas pulled back slightly.
"Stay with me, Silas. Do what I'm telling you. Take a deep breath, relax. I want you to let me hold you."
"I'm doing my best, Richard." With a shudder, Silas laid his cheek against Richard's chest, even as his eyes filled with tears of humiliation.
Richard realized with a flash of clarity just how hard Silas was trying to accept being held after being punished.
"I love you, Silas. I am going to spank you and I am going to hold you and love you afterwards, and you need to let me do both. Richard sounded calm and absolutely certain. "That's part of being in a discipline relationship. The pain and the crying and the comfort. All of it."
"I love you." Silas cuddled into Richard and closed his eyes.
"That's my good boy." Richard kissed Silas's temple gently. "All mine."
"Yours," Silas whispered. "All yours."
Richard rubbed Silas's back, enjoying the feel of him, the warm weight of him, his soft breathing, his tickling strands of hair and his particular scent.
"Richard? I'm tired," Silas whispered. "Lie down with me a little, maybe?"
"Good idea," Richard said, pushing from his mind his plans for the afternoon. This being genuinely needed was a very strange feeling.
Richard helped Silas to his feet and eased his briefs and pants back in place. Escorted him to their bedroom, where he helped Silas step out of his pants and take off his shirt. Clad in underwear and tee, Silas sank gratefully into their bed.
"Stay?" Silas appealed to Richard.
"I said I would," Richard replied, kicking off his sneakers and curling around Silas's back.
"Yeah?" Silas sighed, unconvinced. "Maybe. I'm trying, Richard. God, I feel like you really did spank me, you know?"
"What do you mean?" Richard asked curiously.
"My head hurts. My stomach hurts. I'm all stuffed up and I feel like I've been crying forever. This practice spanking thing is a bitch. Only my ass isn't sore."
"Silas." Richard shook his head. "You're very suggestible," Richard said quietly. "That's actually a good thing. We'll 'practice' a few more times. Then the next time I need to spank you, it won't be so frightening for you. That's a promise."
"Could we practice something else?" Silas reached back to grope Richard gently.
"Hmm. Maybe we can do more than just practice," Richard offered, rolling Silas onto his back and pressing against him, letting Silas feel his lengthening cock. "Since you're not really sore..."
"I like this idea." Silas grinned at Richard, displaying more animation than he had for quite some time.
"Cooperation should be rewarded." Richard meant the gentle tease sincerely.
"More spanking practice?" Silas asked dubiously the following day.
"Practice, Silas, means repetition," Richard said.
"I guess." Silas stood up and reluctantly undid his jeans. Pushed them down. Flopped face down over Richard's knees and buried his face in his folded arms on the couch.
"Good boy," Richard praised his partner's much-improved demeanor. Hooked his fingers under the waistband of Silas's shorts and eased them down, careful not to catch the elastic on Silas's more delicate organs.
"I hate this," Silas complained, squirming. "Please Richard, don't spank me."
"This is just practice," Richard said reassuringly, running his palm over Silas's bare rump.
"No!" Silas kicked out violently, suddenly frightened. "I hate this!"
"Stop that." Richard clamped Silas's legs between his own. "No kicking."
"NO!" Silas writhed, trying to kick free. "Let me go! I hate you!"
Richard used his considerable strength to keep Silas in position, talking quietly and reassuringly.
"No kicking, Silas, easy, that's my boy. Easy now, don't fight me, easy."
Silas subsided dismally, burying his face in his arms.
"Sorry, sorry, sorry," Silas muttered, embarrassed. "Shit, Richard. I'm a fucking idiot. I can't even take a fake spanking the right way..."
"Shh," Richard said calmly. "No more of that kind of talk. This is exactly why we're practicing, Silas. We're either going to find a way for you to feel comfortable letting me punish you, or I'm not going to use corporal punishment any more."
"Then you'll hate me," Silas said glumly. "I'll do stuff that will make you mad and you'll get fed up and leave me."
"No, Silas." Richard stroked Silas's hair gently. "I'm not giving up on us. I'm just not comfortable spanking you if it upsets you so much that you can't control your behavior. There are other forms of discipline that we can discuss that may also work. What we need to find is what's right for us. We'll work it through, Silas. I promise."
"You love me?" Silas asked.
"I love you," Richard affirmed.
"Okay." Silas closed his eyes. "I love you, Richard. And I really think you should spank me when I deserve it. I need to be spanked sometimes."
Richard listened carefully. Silas was nothing if not consistent; he craved the limits spanking provided. Clearly the spanking itself troubled him less than the comfort that followed it.
"Talk to me about how being held afterwards makes you feel, Silas," Richard coaxed.
"Stupid," Silas said, so bitterly that Richard winced. "Like a fucking asshole."
"Before Mack?" Richard pushed gently. "You said you had boyfriends who spanked you; what would usually happen after that occurred?"
"I don't know." Silas tried to remember. "I cried, I guess. Sometimes they were mad and walked out of the room. Sometimes we, you know, did it after. Like make-up sex?"
"And how did those things make you feel?" Richard asked. "Did you like having sex afterwards?"
"Not really." Silas shrugged. "I mean, I didn't mind it, but I didn't feel very hot right then."
"How did being left alone make you feel?"
"Angry," Silas thought a moment. " Angry and sad, like I'd fucked up."
"So neither of those were good solutions, were they?" Richard said. "Being left on your own after a spanking isn't really what you want, and neither is sex."
"I guess not," Silas said unhappily. "But it's better than crawling to him after he beat me!"
"I would imagine," Richard said gently. "But that's about you and Mack Daniels; it's not about us, Silas. I'll never beat you. And I want you to let me comfort you. It's about reconnecting; it's not about humiliation."
"Maybe, Richard," Silas said unhappily. "It just makes me feel like such an asshole. Look, I'm shaking!" Silas extended his hand for Richard to see. "What's wrong with me?"
"You'll be all right." Richard gathered his trembling brat in his arms. "It's anxiety. Just go with it. I've got you, you're safe."
"I feel like I'm going to die," Silas said melodramatically, but he didn't pull away.
"I won't let that happen," Richard promised, heartened by Silas's accepting his embrace. "Shh, it's all right, baby. I've got you, Silas, you're safe."
Lulled by Richard's reassurances, Silas yawned and drooped against Richard, letting the Top position him as he willed.
"How many times are we going to do this?" Silas asked Richard the following day.
"What do you think?" Richard asked.
"Whatever you decide," Silas said quietly. "I'll do what you say."
"Let's give it another try," Richard said.
Barely hesitating, Silas undid his jeans and stepped out of them. They had determined that removing them entirely felt less embarrassing to Silas than lowering them part way. Clad only in briefs, Silas draped himself face down across Richard's lap, letting Richard shift him forward until his butt was within easy reach of Richard's right palm.
Richard rubbed Silas's lower back reassuringly and Silas let his legs splay loosely. Silas didn't kick as Richard eased his shorts to mid thigh, but Richard felt Silas brace himself nervously.
"It's just a rehearsal, Silas," Richard reminded his lover. "Deep breath now, you're all right. That's my boy, there's no reason to fight me."
"Yeah," Silas sniffled. "Oh god Richard, it's hard to do this." He tried not to flinch as Richard laid his palm gently against his bare buttocks.
"It is hard," Richard agreed empathetically, remembering what it felt like to spank Silas. Remembering his lover's fair skin turning hot and red under his hand. "It is hard."
"It's hard!" Yet again Silas was crying as if he had been spanked severely, not merely patted in practice. Richard let Silas slide back to the ground.
"Why do I have to do this?" Silas wept, as Richard caught his forearms and tugged Silas into his lap. "I don't want to do this, I feel like a fucking asshole...I hate this part, Richard. Please don't do this to me!" If Silas had been crying before, he was sobbing now.
"Just breathe," Richard responded. "It's all right to cry. This is part of the discipline, too. The crying, the comfort...they're as important as the punishment. Breathe, Silas, trust me to help you through this. Shh...that's it, that's my good boy, stay with me, shh..."
Silas gave in. He relaxed into Richard's embrace, no longer resisting, and burying his face in Richard's shirt, cried himself out.
Richard sat at the computer, efficiently working his way through a series of reports. Work-related tasks accomplished, he signed on to his private email account. Read through his group mail swiftly, looking for interesting posts.
>>Is living in a discipline relationship a skill you can learn by practicing?>>
Richard considered the perceptive question. He didn't recognize the poster's ID. He clicked on "full headers," revealing a very familiar IP address.
"Silas! In here, please. Now!"
"What do you want?" Silas asked, materializing at his elbow.
"Silas. We had an agreement. No more posting under ID's I'm not aware you have." Richard tapped the monitor meaningfully.
"Shit." Silas gulped. "Please, Richard, I was going to tell you, I just didn't yet. Please?"
"What did we agree, Silas?" Richard asked quietly.
"You'd spank me next time I did that." Silas hunched his shoulders defensively. "Please don't spank me. I just made a mistake, Richard."
"One I don't expect you to repeat," Richard said. "If you have questions about our relationship, you talk to me first, not to some anonymous online buddy." Richard logged off the computer.
"Silas," Richard said, "You are getting a spanking." Taking Silas's arm, Richard escorted him to the couch. "Pants off, please."
Reluctantly, but without protesting, Silas undressed as they had practiced. Let Richard draw him over his lap without protest, the position familiar if not comfortable. Richard eased Silas's underwear carefully out of the way. Silas took a deep breath and blew out, trying to relax.
Richard adjusted his partner's bare bottom across his knees and brought his hand down firmly. Silas offered no resistance, but he kicked reflexively and whimpered at each swat.
Richard spanked Silas until Silas began to cry in earnest.
"All done," Richard said, just loudly enough to be heard over Silas's crying. "Let that be a lesson to you. Do it again and you'll get another spanking. Now come to me."
Still crying, Silas let Richard right him and settle him into his lap. Richard stroked Silas's wet cheeks gently.
"My good boy," Richard said softly.
"Ow." Silas curled into himself as Richard rubbed his back, deliberately ignoring Silas's flinching.
"I hated that," Silas said petulantly.
"I know you did, Silas," Richard said gently. "I know it was hard for you."
Silas held himself tensely aloof, not allowing his weight to fall into Richard.
"I want you to come to me now, Silas. You trust me to have sex with you, you trust me to discipline you, now trust me enough to let me hold you." Richard shifted Silas until Silas's head was pillowed on his chest. He cuddled Silas, kissing him, his gentleness reminding Silas of the first time they had slept together.
"Remember the resort?" Silas asked in a whisper.
"I do," Richard said dreamily. "Silas, would you like to go away for a few days? Somewhere warm? Lie on the beach, get out on the water a little..."
"Oh, Richard." Silas sounded wistful. "That would be the best."
"We'll do that, then," Richard said. "A change of scene will do us both good. The best for my best, that sounds about right to me."
Thank you, Hedeia and Rusty, for your patient support. EM